The Feeling of Freedom

Depression sucks.  

I know this from personal experience, the details of which are for another post on another day.  I only mention it today so you can better appreciate my morning yesterday.

As I noted a few days ago, God started doing a major overhaul in my life and I'm beginning to see some fruit from the work He's been doing.  Yesterday morning was a big old fruit salad that I'd put on par with a yummy southern style jello salad with lots of pineapple and mandarin oranges.  The double helping kind.

So how did I spend my morning yesterday?  In the choir.  "I didn't know she can sing," some might say.  I can't.  But I did.  PB and I joined a new church back in February and I've been dying to join the choir ever since.  They sing great, worshipful songs.  Songs that make my heart soar when I listen and wish I could sing along.

Enter the paralyzing effects of depression.  "You can't join the choir.  You're a terrible singer.  They'll think you're an idiot.  That's not what YOU do.  You've never done that before and it's far too late for you to try something new.  You can't be in a big group of people you don't know.  You'll be lonely because no one will want to talk to you.  You don't have time for this because you're much too busy sitting on the couch..."

So I didn't join.

But God went to work on my heart and started chipping away at the concrete wall depression and I had built to keep me separated from, well, everything: the Lord, family, friends, change, growth, you name it.  As He continues to toss aside piece after dusty piece of concrete, He is not only restoring what I thought was lost, but He's also giving me so much more that is new.

And so yesterday I sang.  There's a man who sings in our choir who from the first time I heard sing, all I wanted to do was be his backup singer.  So yesterday I had my chance and I stood up there with tears in my eyes and I sang from the very depth of my soul:

This is how it feels to be free

This is what it means to know that I am forgiven

This is how it feels to be free

To know that life can be more than I imagined

This is how it feels to be free

I know I'm far from fixed, His healing work continues. But for the first time in my life I'm actually okay with being a work in progress, just so long as I am free.

Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.

John 8:36